I just finished reading an article via Facebook, posted by a very proud bride-to-be so is getting married next year. The article was entitled: “Saving Yourself for the Wedding Night—Getting Married the RIGHT Way.” It focused mainly on the author relishing in the triumph that he and his new bride waited in every way sexually before they got married. He also noted that they were courted throughout their entire relationship. So I’m sure his wedding, and wedding night, were both greatly anticipated. As it is with, I would guess, 99.9% of couples about to be wed.
I originally thought as I read the article, “Good for this guy! And that new wife of his! I’m glad they did it this way. He seems very happy.” I mean, this guy seemed overly proud about his abstinence. Which isn’t a very easy feat, especially in this day-and-age. Most teens succumb to peer pressure and let’s face it, I knew of maybe two virgins in college (who didn’t make it past sophomore year with their V-card still in tact)
Then the entire article changed its tone. The new groom went from gushing over how beautiful his new wife was and how excited he was for their new future…to a complete dark hole of judgement. First- let me explain that this guys’ choice to abstain from sex was probably under intense scrutiny from most people outside of his church (a church wasn’t mentioned, but I’m making an educated assumption). So he had felt discriminated against mainly for making a personal choice in his sex life that isn’t too popular. He goes on to write that his wedding was absolutely perfect and his wedding night was nothing short of amazing. This is how most newlyweds should (and do!) feel.
Then he writes how much, much more his wedding was, because he and his new bride choose to save themselves for marriage.
Um…excuse me, I didn’t receive a copy of the standardized test you made every new couple on earth take before coming to this conclusion. You two had the best wedding, of all time? No one elses can or will ever compare? Where are the lab results with your white blood cell count compared to everyone else’s?!? NO ONE SHOWED ME A COPY OF THE DATA AND RESEARCH!!
Why didn’t they? Because it doesn’t fucking exist. Every single new couple on Earth thinks their wedding was the best. Don’t believe me? Watch a few episodes of “Four Weddings” on TLC (actually just skip to the end of the episodes where the newlyweds gush over how great their Big Day was, the show sucks). You cannot POSSIBLY compare your happiness to someone else’s. Especially because you’re basing this solely on how your sexual preferences are different from theirs.
He then goes on to tell a story about the couples’ first morning into his marital bliss and her torn hymen, about meeting another new bride at breakfast. When asked by his wife where her new hubby was, the other bride told them that he was upstairs sleeping off a hangover. Also in regards to just becoming hitched, that nothing felt different to the other new bride (implying she and her new husband had had sexual relations prior to their nuptials).
Then he wrote the sentences that inspired me to write this:
“Then I realized something. Our wedding was a truly once in a lifetime event. It was a God’s-honest celebration of two completely separate lives now becoming one…
…The couple next to us that morning? Well, theirs was just one big party. And the morning after? Just another hangover.”
How…how dare he?!? He knows NOTHING about that couple, other than a few short sentences uttered. Now his own wedding felt perfect to him, why go ahead and assume that the other couples’ wedding meant so little? Why, after rambling on about how he was judged for so long for his sexual abstinence, would he turn around and do the same thing? Weren’t you mocked for being different? So you now think its alright to return the favor? JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED?!?
Let me take a break. And give you a little understanding of where I’m coming from.
I was raised in a strict Christian home. I was never allowed to watch certain cartoon shows, I was never allowed to go trick-or-treating (pagan holiday and such), and I never believed in Santa Claus (I was told to celebrate the REAL reason for the season, Jesus Christ). I went to church a minimum of three times a week. My mother dragged me to Bible study on Mondays and Wednesdays where there was nothing for young children to do. I would sit and stare at the ceiling, at the stained glass windows, at the preacher. Trying with my 9-year old mind to understand what fire and brimstone had to do with me. I just wanted to go outside and play. On Sunday, the 10:00am service lasted until almost 2:30pm. Torture, for a young girl who had already passed as much time possible memorizing all the holiday songs in the back of the hymn books’ and practicing them in her head (which never mattered come holiday season, when the pastor’s daughters were given the lead solo in every single choir show we ever held. Every. Single. Time.)
When I entered middle school, my mother moved me from public grade school to attend the church’s school for grades 6-8. I was first excited for the change, hoping to make new friends, try new sports. Unfortunately for me, the school turned out to be a dumping ground for bad tweens & teens all over the county. Now, no one escapes middle school easily. It’s the cruelest years of our lives, in my opinion. I was taught Christian Values daily for three years. i understood the reasons for abstinence & celibacy. I was told sex was a dirty, terrible thing. It was a constant school lesson, “Don’t have sex before you’re married, or you’re a sinner and you’re going to hell*. I also didn’t make buddies easily with anyone there. Everyone thought I was weird (and anyone who follows me on Twitter can attest to that) and I was so, so lonely. I was already in hell. Ever met someone who went through ages 11-13 with none, and I mean ZERO friends? Well, you just did, she’s writing this.
Ok, not to delve too much into how I probably could have used some support back then, and maybe a couple hours on a psychiatrist’s couch. Being bullied and judged so harshly back then has made me into the person I am today, which is: If it makes you happy, then I’m happy for you. What I mean is, I GET the abstinence idea. I’ve got the background to prove it. I think it’s wonderful, if that’s what you choose. “Saving yourself for marriage” was something that was pounded into my brain since I could comprehend words.
But guess what. I didn’t save myself for marriage.
Am I going to let something I did when I was 17 with my high school sweetheart be the catalyst for happiness in my marriage, ten years later down the road? No! Why not? Because you cannot, you CANNOT let your past control you. It can only shape you into an altered, stronger, more competent person. I also moved in with my fiancé a few years ago. Now I can head into marriage knowing his knack for leaving dirty socks beside the couch, and he snores when he’s had a few too many beers.
And if this is the only life I’m granted, then I’m not going to regret any of it (well, maybe I do regret that time I got a perm). I would never ever tell someone that their life is less worth of mine, because they are different. Everyone is entitled happiness. And everyone has their own version of it.
My wedding is in 8 days, and I can’t erase the smile off my face already. I’m marrying my best fucking friend in this entire world. And he’s the funniest person I’ve ever met. Laughter is the key to my heart. My wedding will be just perfect to me, the same way the author found his own special day to be awesome. Nothing I’ve ever done in the past can take away from how special and unforgettable October 13th, 2012 is going to be.
I guess what I’m trying to say is: never let someone tell you how to be happy. Find out for yourself. If you are black, white, Asian, hispanic, european, euro-trash, straight, gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgender (cue “Born This Way”), do whatever makes you feel like YOU. Saving yourself for marriage? Great! Were a slut in college but now you found someone you would life to settle down with? Awesome! Like to fuck roosters? Well, you’re going to have to move to a southern state in order for that to be legal.
Finding someone who makes you happy and can love you for exactly the way you are? Then THAT’s the right way to get married.